I hate my child. S1E1: My child is a failure.
[The episode starts at Bot’s class] Mr. Renaud: Alright, kiddies, that concludes our baby-making lesson! Study it for tomorrow, because there’s a test! Bot: Finally. Travis: Damn fool, it’s a written test! Bot: Aw, man. Hey, what’s that noise? Travis: LIZ! Smooth voiceover: That damn classturbator at it again. Tut, tut, tut. [Cuts to the Augers’ house] Zoltan: (raspy, slurring voice) You have a test for tomorrow? Ha, tough luck! I am too busy writing SpongeBob fanfiction to help you. Bot: But please! Zoltan: Nope. Bot: But- Zoltan: CHILD CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WRITING FANON SPONGEBOB EPISODES???!!! Bot: Fine. I will get help from this cactus. Zoltan: Okay, I don’t really care. Bot: [walks over to her cactus] Hey, can you give me tips on studying for a test tomorrow? Cactus: Well, as a cactus, I never went to school. However, when I have to concentrate, I try to think I’m dying in the infamous cacti-human war of 2006 B.C.. So many dead cactuses….. Bot: Erm, okay. I’m gonna go ask Crazy what he thinks. [she goes to her garden, where Crazy is] Crazy: Meow, meow, meow. Bot: Hey Crazy! Do you want to help me study? Crazy: Meow, I’m a dog. And also 12 years old. [a laugh track plays in the background] Bot: Well yeah, but we sent you to school, right? Crazy: No. Bot: I won’t feed you if you don’t at least try to help me. [Crazy scratches Bot’s face] Bot: DAD!!! Zoltan (from the house): What?! Bot: Crazy isn’t helping me, and he hurt me! Zoltan (from the house): He’s a cat, you moron. Crazy: For your information, Sir Auger, I am actually of the CrazySponge genus. Bot: Didn’t you say you were a dog? Crazy: o Bot: Wow, he really is the craziest sponge. [dead silence] Bot: Why the hell aren’t you la-- [Cut to Golf and Aaron’s house, doorbell rings and Golf opens it] Bot: Mr. Pecks, can you help me with my studies? Golf: No. Bot: I thought you graduated Harvard. Golf: Yes. Bot: Oh, okay, well, can I at least come in? Golf: Out you go. Bot: I’m not in yet-- [Door shuts on Bot] Golf: Bot Auger has been aborted. Aaron: Whoa, what’s ruffled your flippers today, Golf? Golf: The enemy of the people has moved downtown. Aaron: Oh yeah, that new record store. [Cut to an establishing shot of the new store, the sign on it reads ‘SBFW’] Smooth voiceover: S-B-F-W. Super Bangin’ Funky Waltz. [Cuts back to Golf and Aaron’s house] Golf: Urgh! It gives me the shivers just thinking about it. [Cut to Golf and Aaron’s garden, which Bot has hopped the fence into. Prim is there eating lasagna] Bot: Hey! Prim: Meow, what the heck do you want? Bot: Can you help me study? Prim: No. Bot: Please! Prim: No. Bot: Please! Prim: No. Bot: Please! Prim: NO! I am eating lasagna! Bot: Just tell me tips on how to study while eating! Prim: Fine! You see, when I have to study, I just eat lasagna, and it helps me study! Bot: You always eat lasagna, you fat cat! And I have never seen you study. Prim: Go away, I’m eating lasagna! Bot: You always eat las-- [gets cut off by Prim] Prim: You said that already. Bot: Fine, I’ll leave. Prim: Wait! Maybe I could give you some lasagna to help you study - IF you give me $100. Bot: Okay, first of all, does lasagna REALLY help you study? Prim: Albert Einstein ate lasagna. Bot: Really? Prim: Golf told me. It must be true. Bot: Okay, but why do you need $100? [Prim gestures towards his lasagna] Bot: [sighs] Fine. I will steal $100 from my dad! Smooth voiceover: Man, where did that gal go wrong? [Cut to Golf’s house. Aaron is reading SAD Magazine with no emotion on his face] Aaron: [flips page] Hmph. [Pained screaming heard from upstairs. Aaron lets out a deep sigh and goes upstairs to see Golf] Aaron: What’s wrong, Golf? Golf: It’s those darned trolls! Aaron: What trolls? Golf: The entertainment industry. Aaron: [thinks for a couple seconds] Yup, that checks out. What did they do this time? [Cut to Golf’s “bedroom” where he is sitting on a single IKEA chair in the middle of the room] Golf: I keep on hearing people play Satanic rituals outside. I want to burn their small radios. Aaron: That’s just Drake. Golf: Yes. Satan. Aaron: [sighs] Well, okay, just close your windows. Golf: I cannot do that. Aaron: And why can you not do that? Golf: Then I would overheat, and potentially blow up like Benson. Aaron: We have air conditioning. Golf: I can’t be getting up to turn on the A/C. That takes time out of my day! UNPRODUCTIVE! Aaron: Golf, you sit in a deckchair and trade stocks all day. You don’t even come downstairs for food sometimes. Golf: That kitchen is the enemy of the people. Aaron: Why is the-- Golf: There are no vegetables. Aaron: I didn’t buy any vegetables yesterday but I bought some strawberries, you might like them. [Golf rushes downstairs. Cut to Bot sneaking into the Auger household] Zoltan: What are you doing, child? Bot: Uhh… I’m searching for my… [looks around the house and sees a pen] pen… [looks up to the ceiling] ...icillin. Zoltan: Your penicillin? Bot: Yes, my penicillin. Zoltan: O-kay… [Zoltan walks away and mutters to himself while Bot runs into her bedroom] Man, these kids have got some crazy words for crack these days. Bot: Here it is! All of my father’s money! Let’s see, 10, 20, 30, uh, I’ll just take all and Prim will count it. [Bot grabs the money, opens the window, and jumps from it to Golf and Aaron’s garden] Prim: Why? Bot: To show off, duh. Anyways, I have all of my dad’s money, count it. [throws it at Prim] Prim: I wasn’t made for counting! I was made for eating lasagna! Let’s see here…just $101? Wow, your dad is broke. Bot: He spent a lot of money on his computer that can run SpongeBob fanfiction at 60 frames per second. Prim: I don’t really care. Here’s your change. [hands her back a dollar] Bot: Thank you. Wait a second… that means my dad only has $1 now! Prim: Yes. Here are your many lasagnas. [gives Bot one crumb of lasagna] Bot: What? One crumb? Get here, you dirty cat! [chases him to the other side of the garden] Prim: WOAH! Calm down! My stomach couldn’t wait one more second to eat lasagna! Bot: [stops] Wait! Maybe Aaron can help. Prim: Yeah, he’s kind of busy. [Cut to Aaron sitting still on the sofa listening to Merzbow for a few seconds and cut back to the garden] Bot: DANG IT! I guess I’ll just have to try to study on my own. But I’ll probably get an F. Wait, I feel like there’s someone near me who can still help me... CartoonGuy: [appears out of nowhere] ME! ME! I want to be in the episode! Bot: Nah. [goes back into her house] Italian Narrator who has a voice strangely similar to CartoonGuy’s: The next day... [Bot is with Mr. Renaud and her classmates in his class] Bot: Now what? What should I do now? Travis: Didn’t you study? Ha! I am an expert on this subject, of course. [A laugh track plays in the background] Bot: Well, I’m screwed. Mr. Renaud: Okay, kiddies, we can finally start! Bot: [sighs] Okay... Italian Narrator who has a voice strangely similar to CartoonGuy’s: Meanwhile... [Cut to Golf in the kitchen cramming strawberries down his throat at record pace and swiftly writing on a scroll] Aaron: Man, I haven’t seen you do anything that quick since they made the time for Sunday mass an hour earlier. What are you writing? Golf: I am not just “writing”. I am filing a complaint. Aaron: Towards? Golf: The entertainment industry. Aaron: [thinks for another couple seconds] Yup, that makes sense. Golf: I am specifically requesting higher tax rates for the CEOs of that wretched business. Aaron: Wow, that’s unlike you. In fact, that’s oddly left-wing of you, Golf. Golf: I am a true centrist. Whenever I’m in the back garden, I always sit on the fence. Aaron: Okay, then why do you want higher tax rates for big businesses? Golf: All music executives should be bankrupt. All musicians for that matter. Aaron: I was with you until “all musicians.” Golf: Shut it, troll. You know I’m right about this. You and the rest of Mr. Pineapple’s cronies just refuse to change your Stalinist ways. Aaron: What about liking music makes me a Stalinist? [A far-left group is protesting in the neighborhood blasting the anthem of the USSR] Golf: All (((musicians))) want is control! They want to get their filthy Je- I mean musical hands all over my brain! I won’t let them do it! Aaron: Hey, what was that part about filthy Je-- [Cut to Aaron sitting outside Golf’s house with only his coat] Smooth voiceover: Man, that Golfpecks is one sly penguin. Golf: FALSE! I am a banana. Smooth voiceover: How does he know I’m narrating? Oh, right… he hears voices. [Cut to Bot with Mr. Renaud and her classmates in the classroom] Mr. Renaud: Okay, kiddies, here are the grades. [Cut to Bot sweating profusely] Mr. Renaud: First off, Liz. You didn’t answer a single question, and focused on whacking your wallaby the whole time. You get a Z-... but can I get your underwear? Liz: No. Mr. Renaud: You are expelled. [Liz suddenly vanishes, leaving only white stains on her desk] Mr. Renaud: Next, Travis. You also get a Z-. You wrote a horrendous story about religion, which I and my good friend Golf Pecks hold very dear to our hearts. Travis: Blasted buffoon! I bet you write worse stuff about us. Mr. Renaud: Uh…you are also expelled. [Travis similarly vanishes] Mr. Renaud: And finally, Bot…...you were the best! Bot: YES! Mr. Renaud: You got an F. Bot: NO! [starts crying] Mr. Renaud: Bot, stop crying…it’s not very attractive. Bot: [sobbing] Please, Mr. Renaud! Let me rewrite it! Mr. Renaud: No! If you studied instead of playing around with your dog who is also your cat who is also CrazySponge, you could have gotten an A. Bot: But… [continues crying] Mr. Renaud: Enough crocodile tears! Go to the Principal’s office! [Bot gets up, gets out of the classroom, and grins for a second, before starting to cry again and going into the principal’s office] Spongefan: [yelling viciously, like a drill sergeant] Bot AUGER! What the (obnoxious bleep sound) are you crying about? Bot: It’s just… .I studied so hard for this test and I got an F… Mr. Renaud sent me here for crying, and I--I--I’m sorry but... Spongefan: [sarcastically and angrily] Oh, I get you, Bot! It’s not (bleep)ing fair! You poor thing! YOU… [more quietly] you remind me of me… [cheesy generic piano music starts playing] and you get an A+! [starts crying uncontrollably] You can go home. [Bot stops crying and grins, then leaves the Principal’s office and starts laughing. She leaves the school and we cut to outside the record store where a group of far-left protesters are campaigning against the store opening] Protesters: [chanting] SBFW is unfair! Kirkburn is in there! [Golf narrowly makes his way through the protesters to go the store before he gets stopped by a leader] Protester: [stereotypical 60’s ‘hippie’ voice] Why are you goin’ in here, old man? To buy your vinyl records from the corporate bigwigs causing deep inequality in the divided American society? Golf: I am not an old man. I am 26. Anyways, my intention is to go in there to send a strongly-worded message to the company owners. Protester: Hey, did you guys hear that?! He’s about to tell Kirkburn who’s boss! [Protesters cheer for Golf] Protester: Hey, what’s your name, dude? Golf: Golf Pecks. Protesters: [chanting] GOLF PECKS! GOLF PECKS! [Golf enters the store and shivers before talking to the girl at the counter] Shopkeeper: How can I help you? Golf: I would like to speak to the manager. Shopkeeper: I’m afraid he’s not here right now. All of the higher-ups are in exile because of the protests. [The room shakes, shocking Golf] Golf: What on earth was that? [Cut to outside where one protester is driving a bulldozer into the store. They are still chanting “GOLF PECKS!”. Golf’s eyes dart, and eventually look onto the Christian Music section, which he guards with his life.] Protest Leader: Come on, Golf! Don’t wuss out now! Golf: I need to enter a state of self-reflection. I think I’ve gone insane. [As Golf finishes his sentence the bulldozer crashes into the store, demolishing it and unleashing metric tonnes of rubble across the road. Golf sticks his head out from the rubble] Golf: Wait, NOW I CAN’T FILE MY COMPLAINT! At least I got some free Pat Boone out of it. Smooth voiceover: Mm, Pat Boone. That Jesus freak has got a good-ass taste in music. Debbie could light up my life for sure… if you know what I mean. [Cut to Bot walking home, ignoring the rubble when suddenly her dad can be heard from far away] Zoltan (offscreen): Bot! MY MONEY! Bot: WAIT, I CAN EXPLAIN! I-- Zoltan: [runs towards him] I’M GONNA KILL YOU! Bot: [starts running away] AAARGH! [Cuts to the Augers’ househould’s garden and zooms in to Crazy] Crazy: Ah yes, my family. Bot (offscreen): AAAAAH! [yelling and explosions can be heard] HELP!