I hate my child. S1E2: My child is missing
[The episode starts with Aaron going in his and Golf’s house with a mattress] Golf: Where have you been?! What have you got there?! Is that a mattress?! Aaron: Yes, it’s a mattress. I got it off Craigslist. There was some guy who lived in a forest and had this spare mattress. Golf: Craiglist? In a forest? What forest?! Are you crazy?! [Crazy appears out of nowhere] Crazy: You called? Golf: Out you go. Crazy: o [Crazy suddenly vanishes] Aaron: What’s the matter, Golf? Golf: That mattress is the enemy of the people! Aaron: What do you have against the mattress? Golf: I just don’t think you should go frolicking in some unnamed forest to pick up this piece of evil! Beds are unproductive! Aaron: It’s called Wogonana forest. Smooth voiceover: [chuckles] Hey, kids, don’t search that one up. Golf: That sounds pretty cool. [picks up a dictionary and scans it for the word ‘Wogonana’] UH… I WAS HACKED! Aaron: Uh, sure. Well, I’m going to replace the old mattress. [The camera zooms in Golf’s face with dramatic music] Golf: No. [Cut to Bot in her garden, holding her hand near her ear like she was listening] Bot: Wogonana forest? Sounds pretty cool. Zoltan: [comes out of his house] WHO SAID COOL?! That’s our word. Only I can say “Kool”. Bot: Dad, can I go to Wogonana forest with Travis and Liz? Zoltan: Uh, whatever will make you go away. Bot: Wait, you need to come to supervise us! Zoltan: Why would I want to supervise you brats? Bot: Well, Travis and Liz’s parents have jobs. Zoltan: Well, so do I! Bot: Yeah, but they have actual jobs that contribute to society. Zoltan: Excuse me, how does mine not contribute to society? Bot: Dad, you write SpongeBob fanfiction on a daily basis. Zoltan: I fail to see the problem. Bot: Well, if I go missing, my friends will too, and we all know what happened last time you jeopardized the safety of the neighbourhood’s children. [Flashback to Renaud and Zoltan in a jail cell, where Renaud is playing on a harmonica. Cut back to the garden] Zoltan: You have a point, lass. [Cut to Bot, Travis, Liz, and Zoltan at the forest wearing backpacks. Bot looks notably nervous] Zoltan: Alright, what do you kids want to do now? Liz: Well… Zoltan: [interrupts Liz] Back off, Liv, I was talking to my stupid step-daughter. Bot: Step-daughter? Zoltan: Uh-- Bot: Am I not your real-- Zoltan: UH-- Bot: Is there something you’re not telling-- Zoltan: Just a slip of the tongue, Bot. Love you very much, mm-mm, as much as the sky is blue. [It starts raining] Zoltan: Anyway, back on track. What do you wanna do in this here Wagamama forest? Bot: Well, explore maybe? Zoltan: Explore my ass. Bot: Dad! Zoltan: What? I was telling them to join Zoltan’s Ass! [Cheesy commercial jingle plays] Smooth voiceover: Nah, man, don’t join that man’s ass. It’s dusty down there. Bot: Just… come with us… Zoltan: Wait, you know I gotta drink first! Bot: Then drink fast! Zoltan: If you say so. [Zoltan empties his backpack, revealing the only thing in there was a massive keg of beer which he downs within five seconds] Travis: What a responsible father you have. Zoltan: Damn right! [passes out] [Cut to Aaron, who’s convinced Golf to try out the new mattress] Aaron: Okay, now Golf, just lay down on the mattress. There’s no duvet, there’s no anything, just a mattress. Golf: I’d rather not. That mattress could go to starving children all over the Antarctic continent. Aaron: You’re a millionaire, Golf, if you care so much, you should donate some of your profits to charities. Golf: Imagine thinking being a millionaire is “rich”. I don’t live in Alaska. [Zoom out to outside the house, where a massive sign overarches the town saying “Did Juneau you lived in Alaska? Welcome to the 49th State of the Union”] Aaron: Just sleep on the bloody mattress. Golf: Nope. Aaron: Tough situations call for tough solutions. [Aaron attaches a plug to the mains and suddenly the bookshelves in Golf’s room spin around and reveal themselves as speakers that start blasting Weezer’s “Can’t Stop Partying” on full blast. Golf responds with a pained shriek as he leaps out of his stance, flapping his flippers as if he was going to fly. In mid-air, the music stops as he realises he cannot fly.] Golf: I’m losing ne sense if balanc… Oh my [He falls down onto the mattress] Aaron: [unplugs] See, I knew there’d be a way. So, how’s the mattress? Golf: It’s… [we zoom into Golf’s head, revealing a psychedelic, technicolour landscape] [In Golf’s fantasy, he, a cartoony penguin is a tuxedo strips his suit off, revealing a rainbow that carries him into the centre of this colourful city, with red tubes connecting each house, all of which are coloured in different shades of bright blue, green and yellow, and all moving rhythmically to Beatles-esque pop. The bus comes and Golf hops inside the door] Busdriver: No need for a ticket, fine lad. We can always riiiide… [Golf sits down on the only empty seat, as the rest of them are occupied by dancing radios. The busdriver starts driving them off a cliff, as Golf’s eyes fill up with rainbows and somehow the bus hovers in the air. We zoom into Golf and fade back to him on the mattress] Golf: It’s wonderful. Oh... [Cut to the kids having gone deeper into the forest, walking] Bot: What have you guys got in your backpacks? I’ve got a bottle of water and Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz HD for the Nintendo Switch. Travis: Damn fool, we’re in a forest! Bot: I’ll just admire it! Oh, and I’ve also got some pictures of Halle Berry and Charli XCX. Travis: Water Sex. Liz: What? Travis: Water Sex. I’ve only got the entire script of Water Sex. Liz: Well at least I’M prepared in case we all get lost. I’ve got water, some snacks and even some spare socks. Travis: I wonder what you need the socks for. [Travis and Bot laugh] Liz: Oh, and I also packed this. [Liz puts a knife to Travis’ throat] Travis: Okay, okay… [Liz moves away] This is fascism. Bot: Come on, guys, calm down. Don’t be too naughty in front of my dad… Dad? [The kids turn around and see Zoltan never moved away from where he had fainted] Liz: Ha! I’m prepared and you’re not! Bot: We are so dead. Travis: Wait! Bot and Liz: What? Travis: We can read Water Sex! [Liz again puts the knife to Travis’ throat. Cut to Golf on the mattress] Aaron: Okay, when I bought this mattress off of the nonce--I mean, odd man I found on Craigslist, I thought I’D be sleeping on it. Golf: [wearing shades and sipping a cocktail, speaking in a more flamboyant voice] Be quiet, dead person. Where’s my grapefruit sex? Aaron: Wh… Okay, come on, Golf, I’m not sleeping on this bare mattress with you. I’ve got to sort out the bed covers and everything else… Golf: Wait, why can’t you sleep with me on the bed? Aaron: Golf, that’s weird. Golf: What society may think is weird is irrelevant. What goes on in our bedroom is none of the outside world’s business. Aaron: Golf, this is YOUR bedroom. Golf: Why must we stick to what the man tells us to do? Fight the power, Aaron. Aaron: [sighs] As I expected… you’re a slave to the mattress. (Cut to the kids walking in the forest as Travis reads some literature) Travis: It started off a normal day in Heaven, but then I began to get an urge. A VERY IMPORTANT URGE! Liz: Hey… Speaking of water, I think I hear a lake! Travis: And? Bot: Wait...I think I see a house in the distance! It looks sort of like a house a witch would live in, and we know they’re always safe. Could be our only hope. Liz: Hey, I see it too! Travis: “The urge to masturbate?”, Jesus asked. Bot: [pushes the book out of Travis’ hand] Stop reading it! [They run towards the house while epic orchestral music plays, but they stop along with the music when they see a lake full of rocks in their way] Bot: Oh, for Arre’s sake. Travis: I think we can just jump over it. I mean, it’s not too large, unlike Bernie Sanders’ massive-- Liz: Travis, when you say something useful, stop after the first comma. I beg you. Bot: So… are we gonna jump over it? Travis: Well, I’m too pretty to die, so let’s test my theory with you. Bot: Uh…why not Liz? [Liz is nowhere to be seen] Bot: [gulps] Fine. [a thought bubble appears from his head, and Zoltan is in it] Thought bubble Zoltan: Don’t do it, Bot! Bot: Or else? Thought bubble Zoltan: I won’t feed you! Bot: You say that like you’re feeding me. Thought bubble Zoltan: Just don’t do it, Bot. I care for you. Bot: Shut up, Dad, I’m gonna do it anyways. Although, if I fall, who knows what would happen to that new show “I Hate My Child” on the SpongeBob Fan-- Travis: Stop talking to yourself and jump! Bot: Okay… [prepares to jump] Travis: JUMP ALREADY! Bot: (sighs) [He jumps in slow motion] Bot (in slow motion): AAAAAARGH! [The speed then returns to normal as he safely lands on the other side] Bot: ...Wait, I’m alive? Travis: Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? Anyways, come on Liz, we have to be rescued by a witch. [Travis hears… questionable sounds] Travis: Liz! Liz: Uh…you jump first. Travis: If you say so. [vanishes and pops up again on the other side] Liz: Alright! Here it goes! [jumps but falls in the lake] Aah! Help! Travis: Liz! Grab my hand! Liz: That’s not your hand! Travis: Oops. Bot: Grab my hand instead. [Liz grabs Bot’s hand and gets out of the lake visibly hurt by the rocks, with red scratches on her knees and arms] Liz: I am in immense pain. Travis: Indeed. Anyways, we can go to the witch’s house now. Are you scared of this too, Bot? Bot: N-no! Of course not! [Mr. Renaud gets out of the house where a witch supposedly lives] Mr. Renaud: I smell children! Smooth voiceover: Not that Mr. Renaud. God, he always on the scene lookin’ for a cute teen. [Bot screams] Mr. Renaud: Specifically, the distinct smell of Liz’s underwear. Liz: Oh… Seriously? Travis: Well, at least he’s all the way over there. It’s not like he can chase us or anything. Mr. Renaud: Good idea, Travis! Liz: TRAVIS! Travis: This wouldn’t have happened had you not been a degenerate! Bot: Oh, boy. Liz: Bot, this is YOUR fault! You convinced us to go here in the first place! Bot: I just wanted to explore the forest with my friends! Travis: Where did you even hear about this forest? Bot: My neighbour Aaron mentioned it! He said he got a mattress from here! Mr. Renaud: Hey, I’m a known and a respected mattress salesman! I need money to buy chil--uh, chilli. I like chilli. Liz: We need to get out of here. Mr. Renaud: You can run, but you can’t hide… Liz: I can’t run! My leg still stings from the fall. Bot: I HATE YOU ALL! Liz: SAME! Travis: AGREED! Mr. Renaud: One, two, three… Go! [Mr. Renaud starts chasing the kids on four legs - almost like a tiger hunting for prey - as they escape, they all jump over the lake as the chasing continues for a while] Liz: AARGH! It’s so hard to run like this! [Cut to Liz rolling on the ground like Sonic] Bot: Wait, I can hear someone…snoring! [Loud snoring is heard] Travis: Aren’t you hearing that, Liz? [Cut to Liz shrugging with her ears missing] Travis: I know. Bot: Hmm… that snoring kinda sounds like my Dad’s! Travis: Then let’s wake that deadbeat up! Bot: Gosh, I have no idea how to do that. He only wakes up to certain things… like construction outside of his house and the opening of a beer can. Wait! I have an idea! Liz: Which is? Bot: You know, my dad always talks about a… close friend he knew once upon a time… [Flashback to a young Zoltan in a bar with EB] EB: I was hitting up this girl Squiddleward, until I found out that she was an ADMIN on a WEEKEE! Zoltan: Bruh, that’s messed up. EB: I know, right? Want to go to Hooters? They got hot chicks there. [Cut back to Bot and the kids near Zoltan, still asleep on the ground] Bot: He always said that even when Dad was at his worst, he had someone there to comfort him. Someone who would always be there for him. I think if I replicate his voice, he’ll wake up. [replicating EB’s voice] Talk about filler, Zoltan. [Zoltan wakes up but is still in a daze] Zoltan: Earnest?! God’s brought you back to me in my darkest moment. Bot: No, it’s just me. Zoltan: What the-- [Cut to Aaron struggling to walk as he carries Golf, dressed in a rainbow “hippie” outfit, on the mattress, down the forest] Aaron: I knew I shouldn’t have bought a mattress from a registered sex offender… Oh, hi, kids. Zoltan. Do you lads know where Paul Renaud is? [Renaud, still on four legs, leaps onto the scene, hissing, before he takes out his long, frog-like tongue and eats everyone in one bite. He licks his lips and the episode ends.]