I hate my child. S1E3: My child is a criminal.
[The episode starts in the Augers’ garden, where Bot is talking to CartoonGuy] Bot: Look, you are good at taking care of people, right? CartoonGuy: That is a ridiculous stereotype, which makes no sense, especially considering I am from the north of Italy, not from the south, where the mafia typically is. But yes, mafia boss over here will happily murder whoever you want me to! Bot: [holds up a picture of Chip Rockefeller] This man! I want him dead! CartoonGuy: Oh, we’ll take care of him no problem! But, surely you know, I won’t do it for nothing… Bot: [holds up Zoltan’s wallet - we zoom into see it contains only 50 cents and is plastered with Family Guy stickers] How much do you want? CartoonGuy: Make me an offer I can’t refuse. Bot: I can give you the entire wallet. CartoonGuy: A pleasure doing business with you. Zoltan: [gets out of the house] Hey Crazy, did you steal all our tissues--BOT! Bot: UH, I CAN EXPLAIN! CartoonGuy: Ciao! [grabs Zoltan’s wallet and runs away] Zoltan: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! IS THAT MY WALLET? Bot: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Zoltan: Bot, I just saw you giving my wallet to Luigi over there. I wonder if he’s available for familicide... Bot: How do you know that was your wallet? Zoltan: Sweetheart, how many other people do you know who have Peter Griffin on their wallets? Bot: Dad, I’m [censor bleep] years old. I don’t know anyone else with a wallet. Zoltan: Well, what about Golf? [Cut to Golf sweating profusely at a vending machine as he struggles to put his 20 cents in to get a banana-flavoured chocolate bar, and cut back to Bot and Zoltan] Zoltan: Good point. Now, thankfully, I have a back-up wallet in the safe in case any Italians creep in. Follow me. [Zoltan leads Bot into a secret room in the basement. It’s pitch-black, but Zoltan still presses in a code as a password to the safe in front of him] Zoltan: There we go… [he swishes his hand around in the safe, only to come up empty] Bot, did you give this wallet to the Italians too? Bot: Don’t be silly, Dad! I used it to buy Sofia the First full seasons on The Pirate Bay. Smooth voiceover: The makings of a criminal right before your eyes. [Zoltan sighs and we cut to Aaron sitting on the sofa watching Doc McStuffins on his laptop] Aaron: Gosh, isn’t that Lambie the Lamb such a character? Goodness, always up to mischief, that bloody toy sheep. [Golf shuts his laptop] Aaron: Hey, what was that for? I was enjoying some wholesome misadventures with the helpful Doc McStuffins and her gang of fun-loving technicolour animal friends! Golf: My enemy senses were tingling. How did you come across this material? Aaron: With my eyes. Golf: No smart aleck response, troll. How are you consuming this content? Through a streaming service? Aaron: Well-- Golf: Netflix? Aaron: Nope. Golf: Disney+? Aaron: Nope. Golf: Cut-Out? Aaron: Golf, that’s not even a real thing. Look, I was pirating it, okay? I got a download from a… reliable source and I was just enjoying it without needing to pay any money to those big corporations. Golf: YOU! Don’t you know how much care and work are put into these animated television programmes? Aaron: Yes, I do, but not enough to pay $10 a week to watch them. Golf: Disgraceful. Piracy is beyond heinous and deplorable. It’s not civilised behaviour. Aaron: Yeah, yeah. We’ve heard it before. Listen, let me just watch my pre-school cartoons in peace-- [motions towards his laptop] Golf: Nope. [picks up the laptop and throws it out of the window] Aaron: Aw, I had my Charli XCXXX collection on there. Golf: Your what? Aaron: It doesn’t matter. What have you got against me enjoying a little bit of Doc McStuffins without paying, Golf? Surely someone as stingy as you with your cash would appreciate the… illegal things in life. Golf: Admittedly, I am glad you are taking your time to watch educational programming instead of listening to blasphemy-core all hours of the day. Yet, I am still of concern that these writers and directors are not getting their fair due when people like you are torrenting their work. Not that said work deserves much respect, as after all, art is the enemy of productivity. Aaron: So why do you-- Golf: Shush, Stalin’s goldfish. Where did you get those episodes from, anyway? Aaron: Well, a trustworthy torrenter never reveals his plugs. It’s the street code. [Aaron lights up a blunt and starts smoking as G-funk plays] Smooth voiceover: Man, that’s some cultural appropriation. There ain’t no street here, it’s just some lil’ British girl in her bedroom. [Cuts to Bot in her room watching The Amazing World of Gumball on her laptop. Said room is filled with bright blue and pink colours and has posters of Charli XCX, 100 gecs and The Nightmare Neighbors Next Door.] Bot: Ah, this is the life. Golf (offscreen): The life of crime. Bot: Huh? [turns around, but sees nothing] Mmmhh…. [Cut to downstairs, where Zoltan is printing money] Zoltan: Ah, printing money, what a brilliant idea! What could go wrong? [The police enter the house, destroying the front door] Zoltan: AAARGH! IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! Police officer: WHERE’S THE PIRATE?! Zoltan: What? Police officer: We got reports of piracy around here… Cactus: PIRACY? [hides in their pot] Bot: [goes downstairs] Welp, just finished pirating, what are we having for lun-- Police officer: FREEZE! Bot: AAARGH! I DIDN’T PAY HIM TO KILL HIM! FAKE NEWS! Police officer 2: Ma’am, you are under arrest! Piracy is a very serious crime! Bot: Oh, come on, is it that serious of a crime? [Bot gets grabbed by the police as they take her out of the door and to the police station] Zoltan: YES! SHE’S GOING TO JAIL! THANK YOU, ARRE! Bot: NOOO! I BLAME CRAZY! DAD, HELP! Zoltan: [holds up his middle finger] Smooth voiceover: Man, how are child services lettin’ this guy have custody? Zoltan: WOOHOO! We’re gonna party all day! If I meet whoever reported this act of piracy, I will [loooooooooong censor bleep]. Cactus: …...Ehem…...Zoltan, don’t you think that being without Bot would make everything dull and boring? Zoltan: Let me think about that for a second… [pauses, deep in thought for 10 seconds] NOPE! [runs to the fridge, grabs a bottle of beer, and starts chugging it as fast as he can] Cactus: Welp, I tried. [Cut to Aaron walking around the house scrolling on his phone; we see an Instagram post by yvngdanny that reads "Yooo Fr... We Smokin That CrazySponge Pack Out Here 😤💯". Golf jumps into the corridor and slaps the phone out of his hand] Golf: NO! NO EVIL! [Golf pulls out a shotgun decorated with a crucifix and Catholic imagery, and starts shooting at the phone] Aaron: Oh, come on, Golf, I’d just backed up my Charli stash on there. Golf: Your what? Aaron: Nothing. Listen, you don’t need to worry about me pirating anything anymore. My plug got turned into the feds. Golf: I know. Aaron: H-how? Golf: I did some snooping and discovered the culprit, and she is at the police station repenting her sins to the Lord as we speak. Now, Aaron, may I explain to you why you must never commit such acts of piracy again? Aaron: Well, I know I won’t have a choice. Golf: [dusts off an old brown book] Now this is my coveted Piracy Bible. It lays out the core principles of why piracy is so heinous of a crime. First off, thou shalt not steal a car. [Cut to a flashback of Bot doing wheelies in a stolen Mercedes, and cut back to the police station where Bot is being interrogated] Police officer: Piracy AND stealing cars? You must be one of our most dangerous criminals! We have a special place for those like you… [Cut to a long prison hall, where the police officers are walking, dragging Bot] Police officer: Now this is the most dangerous prison ever. It has the worst people ever. They are very evil. They- Bot: Okay I don’t really care. Police officer: Here is Susan, who stole a candy from the store. Bot: WHAT?! THAT IS THE WORST THING I EVER HEARD! Nah, that’s just dumb. Why is she here? Police officer: Well, if you read the laws of this fine town, you should know that candy is the most important thing an inhabitant can have! Susan’s lucky she didn’t get the death penalty. Now next in line is aunt Grimelda… She uses Twitter. Smooth voiceover: Man, some people really are the scum of Earth. Bot: Nice joke. What did she actually do? Police officer: It’s not a joke. Bot: wait wut Police officer: Then there is your “roommate”, Muffin Hat. She has done something that is unbelievable. She said SpongeBob is the worst show ever. Bot: Well, that is a popular opinion. Police officer: WHAT?!!! WHO ELSE THINKS THAT?! [Cut to the Augers’ house, where Zoltan is in his couch bored with confetti and empty beer cans all over the place.] Zoltan: [bored] This is the most beautiful day of my life…what a good time I’m having….wooHOO! Bot is GONE! Yay! Ugh...what a headache… [Cactus crawls in the room] Cactus: Told ya. Zoltan: Shut up. This is not dull and not boring. I do not miss Bot at all. Cactus: Sure. Zoltan: This is not boring, not boring, not boring... Cactus: You okay? Zoltan: YES I AM! [starts crying] Cactus: Uh… Okay bye. [crawls back] Zoltan: Bot, will you pass me the tissues? [Everyone is silent for five seconds] Zoltan: Wait……[cries more] Bot…….I hate you…...BUT YOU’RE NOT HERE TO KNOW! [sobs] I’ll just have to get the tissues myself…..wait…….CRAZYSPONGE! [sobs even more] Crazy: [pops out of nothing] o Zoltan: Would you… hand me the… tissues…? Crazy: no you do not want those tissues on your face trust me Zoltan: Stupid cat. Crazy: I AM NOT A CAT YOU DUMB… Zoltan: Oh yeah. Crazy: Admit it. You miss Bot. Zoltan: I… don’t miss… her… Crazy: Yes you do. Zoltan: I DON’T AND I NEVER DID! I HATE BOT! I hate my child. Crazy: Then why are you crying? Zoltan: I AM NOT……..[starts sobbing uncontrollably] I MISS BOT! I MISS BOT! I WOULD BAIL HER OUT…...BUT THAT STUPID KID SPENT ALL OF MY MONEY! [sobs more, and runs off to the bathroom, where he starts speaking to himself in the mirror] I feel a void in my heart where Bot used to be. Someone I could release my frustrations onto. Someone I could teach my wide array of life experience and knowledge. Someone who, no matter what garbage I was on about, she always listened. Smooth voiceover: Man…….that’s deep. [Cut to Golf screaming in agony in a record store as he sees someone buy a Lil Pump CD] [Cut to Bot’s prison cell, which is suddenly opened] Police officer: Bot, good news. Some fella over here claiming to be your teacher has just given us $5,000. You can go free. Bot: Oh, my Arre! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [runs to hug the man in front of the cell that just bailed her out, before realising it’s Mr Renaud, standing alongside Zoltan] Renaud: Oh, no need to thank me, Miss Auger. I just couldn’t live without seeing you in my class. Anyway, now I’ve bailed you out on a single condition: that I inform you of the evils of piracy. Bot: Sir, do you really need to do that? Renaud: Well, of course, I do! It’s the only way that both our criminal records get expunged, or at least that’s what the government agreed. So, Bot, prepare for the public safety announcement of a lifetime - and a rather seductive one if I do say so myself. [The background turns into a multi-coloured, cartoonish landscape as Renaud adorns a tuxedo and top hat, fit with a black and white cane, and old-timey vaudeville music starts playing] Renaud: [singing - badly] Don't you know that piracy is never A-OK? Unless you've got approval from the FBI or CIA This is a compromise, so you and I will both be free Copyright protection isn't the only law that says 'C.P.' I'll bail you out so you can still join my baby-making class So I can still keep an eye out for Mr. Penniall's thick ass I don't want to be locked in prison and I think neither do you So let's talk about piracy with a musical verse or two! [Short instrumental interlude as Renaud scoops Bot up to a car dealership] Renaud: You wouldn't steal a car unless you've got a damn good reason Like you're escaping to Canada because we charged you with treason You wouldn't steal from an art gallery 'cause someone worked on that So why would you burn that DVD of that yellow man who's fat? Aaron! [Renaud leaps into Aaron’s house, where he’s laying on the sofa with headphones on] Renaud: Unless the man who made it is a pedophile like me You should take your time to save and buy that pornogrind CD Aaron: Well, I don't like that album. Renaud: It's only a dollar 53 And it's much better to pay than spend your time searching on Soulseek Now, give me a beat! [Hip-hop beat plays as Renaud stands against a brick wall with two exaggerated stereotypes of inner-city youths] Renaud: [rapping] Boys, have you heard this new Lil Wayne mixtape on Napster? Youth: Yeah, bro, I gotta recommend a tape right back at ya Youth 2: Nah, man, you ain't dope if you ain't heard St. Anger Youth: Man, shut up, you know we don't fuck with Metallica Renaud: Well, I think you're both silly - and sexy - and wrong For you should pay at least a dollar to hear a new song Those engineers aren't getting paid to be robbed Youth: Hey, speaking of robbed… Youth 2: Paul, prepare to get mobbed [Renaud swiftly runs away and returns to the prison as vaudeville music restarts] Renaud: When you watch your favourite show, you should watch the credits To see whose paycheck you just stole from downloading .ZIP files on Reddit If you knew no-one would gladly pay to see your final edit Would you bother to pay your staff or take that check and shred it? [pointing at Bot] Fall into a deep sadness, for you should be full of guilt Even sex offenders like me know that companies need our bills So if you upload another file from your little selection… Bot: Come on, not even Family Guy: The Meg Collection? Zoltan: Excuse me, Renaud, I think you have an erection. Travis: [from another prison cell] It's time we have a far-left insurrection! [Cut to Golf, sitting next to Aaron on the sofa] Golf: I have fallen into a deep depression. Aaron: Where'd my iPad go? Golf: Don't even bother requesting. [Cut back to the prison] Zoltan (and choir): Bot, I give you all of my love and affection But this is not the first time that you've been arrested So please (Please!), leave (Leave!) that folder in the recycling bin So I don't have to worry about bailing you out again Renaud: Actually, I bailed her out Zoltan: Shut up, Renaud! Can't you see I'm having a moment with my dog? Bot: Your dog? Zoltan: My daughter! I meant to say "daughter" Officer: God, I'd hate to live as one of the Augers Zoltan: Shut up, everyone! Now I beg and I plead For you to never again commit piracy! [Zoltan holds the high note as the music comes to a stop] Bot: Eh. I got Simpsons episodes to upload. Zoltan: Son of a-- [episode ends] [As the credits end we hear a shotgun fire once, and a man screaming in pain] CartoonGuy: (offscreen) Worth it.