I hate my child. S1E4: My child is an immigrant.
[The episode starts in the Auger residence, with Zoltan holding a knife and Bot strapped to a wheel] Bot: Uh, dad, I don’t think this is very safe-- [Zoltan throws a knife, which ends up right above Bot’s head] Zoltan: It helps me with stress! Do you know how stressful it is to have you as my daughter? [A knock is heard on the door] Zoltan: No, Golf, we don’t have any strawberries left. [Tan enters the room] Zoltan: TAN?! Bot: Who? Tan: Zoltan! Bot: Who is this guy? Zoltan: What are you doing here? Tan: I'm here to take you on a free vacation to France. Zoltan: No thank you, we were in the middle of somethi-- Tan: Well, too bad, I'm taking you anyway! Bot: Why do we need to go to France? [Tan lets out an unholy shriek] Zoltan: Fair point. Wait, if I go to France, I will finally be done with this damn daughter of mine! Tan: She’s coming too, Zoltan. [Zoltan yells in dismay and kicks CrazySponge in the head, knocking him out and leaving him unconscious. It cuts to a black screen with an image of CrazySponge projectile vomiting onto Zoltan, captioned “RIP CrazySponge. Forever in our hearts”, before cutting back to the living room] Bot: Wait, are we actually going to France? This isn’t one of those random jokes? No? Tan: I just bought a plane! I want to use it with people! Bot: Tan, France is a shithole. Zoltan: Cease that xenophobia, British bastard. Wait, Tan, you know… err… the… “guy”... he’s not there, right? Tan: Zoltan, he’s not dangerous! Don’t worry! Bot: What are you people talking about? [Golf shoots down the walls of the Auger home with a crucifix-adorned machine gun and breaks into the house] Golf: Greetings. Aaron: [enters slowly] What is this, a reunion? Who’s that guy? Golf: I crave strawberries. [licks his lips] Zoltan: People, I have very sad news for all of you: I will leave you for a few days, as I am going on a vacation to France, along with my stupid daughter… [A single tear rolls down Bot’s cheek] Zoltan: ...Crazy… [Crazy starts bleeding continually from his head] Zoltan: ...Cactus, and Tan. Aaron: Who? [Tan lets out another unholy shriek] Aaron: Oh, of course. How could I forget? Zoltan: Golf, I have a mission for you, my productive buddy: clean this house so the police don’t inspect this house for “dead odour” anymore. Golf: Strawberries. Zoltan: Fine. [he pulls out a comically large strawberry and places it on the couch] Smooth voiceover: That gnarly dude Golf wants to get it on. Tan: Soon-to-be-Frenchmen, hop onto my plane! [he exits the house alongside Zoltan, dragging CrazySponge’s corpse and Cactus] Bot: Uhh... Golf: Off you go. [he grabs the wheel and rolls it out of the house] You can't just stay here doing nothing while I clean the house. That's unproductive. Now, Aaron, I hope you understand that cleaning is a job done by two men. Aaron: You want me to clean with you? Golf: Of course, we will do that eventually, but now, I must log off this house and not return for 12 more hours. Aaron: what Golf: You won’t have another man cleaning with you, but you will have a cat, man’s best friend. Prim: [walks in the house] Meow. Oh dear, what happened here? Golf: Something unconstitutional, and you have to help clean it. Prim: WHAT?! But Golf, sir, I'm a cat. Golf: And I'm a penguin, I think you can handle this job. Aaron: Golf, you should help with cleaning the house too. You can't just stay around our house all day. That would be, as you say, “unproductive”. Golf: Nonsense, Aaron. I have many, many productive things to do. [He grabs the giant strawberry] And I do not wish to be disturbed. Now CLEAN, YOU TWO! You have to be done before the @everyone DEADLINE 🚨🚨🚨🚨 [Aaron and Prim look at each other as Golf vanishes into thin air.] Aaron: Where did he go? [Moaning is heard from outside the house.] Prim: Well, I suppose you'd better get started. The house won't clean itself, lazybones. [He walks off] Aaron: You lazy hypocritic fat feline. [He grabs Prim and throws him to the ground] Prim: Mondays. Golf (offscreen): IT’S NOT EVEN MONDAY! [Cut to Tan flying his plane in the air] Tan: This is Tan Airlines, we hope you're having a nice flight. Zoltan: Believe me I'm not. Tan: Please ensure your seat belts are buckled as we're now approaching our final destination. Zoltan: But France is our only destination, idiot. Tan: Sure, it is. Bot: Aw, we’re arriving? I was watching Toy Story 2! Zoltan: Are you sure you didn't pirate it, you criminal bitch? Bot: What? Zoltan: What? Bot: What? Zoltan: Pirate says what. Bot: What? Fuck. Tan: People, I am seeing the Eiffel Tower here, which means we are about to la--okay, we just hit it now let’s get out of this thing. [Zoom out to Tan’s plane crashing into a now burning Eiffel Tower, with audible screaming from civilians and camera flashes amidst reporters discussing the event and thousands of police sirens going off] Zoltan: Why did I agree to this? [Tan hops out of the plane] Tan: France is just a beautiful-- [the police taser him] [Cut to a prison where Tan and co. are being let off] Prison Guard: Alright, so whilst you did set fire to the most iconic landmark in the history of our nation, Mr. Pecks just called and demanded to pardon you, and he said, quote “French people are the enemy of the people”, which is a pretty convincing take for someone whose job it is to observe the worst French society has it to offer. Tan: Oh, come on, it’s not that bad! Prison Guard: Oh, yeah? Have you seen this fella? [CrazySponge, somehow alive again, is now in prison, dehydrated] Bot: Hey, that’s just our dog! CrazySponge: I love penis. Prison Guard: What is wrong with the people of today? What even IS a penis? Sacrebleu. [Cut to Tan and co. wandering the streets of Paris, seemingly completely unaffected by the events of the day] Tan: Oh, look at that, I see a 5 star French restaurant! Les fils de pute. Must mean some elegant French thing! Ah, this truly is the country with the finest cuisine in the world. [CartoonGuy is seen on a bomb in the sky] CartoonGuy: SHUT THE FUCK UP TAN! ITALY FOREVER! [CartoonGuy crashes down with the bomb, exploding, with Crazy also exploding, with his limbs flying all over the street. Crazy’s left leg falls onto Zoltan’s eye] Zoltan: That's the most interesting thing that's happened so far in this place. Tan: I’ll be enjoying a nice SNAIL! Zoltan: Fool. [scrapes the leg and the remaining blood off his face] I’ll order a ratatouille, and after being incredibly moved, I will congratulate the rat cook in the kitchen, named Ratatouille. Bot: Remy. Zoltan: Shut up Meg. [Cut to Aaron using Prim to clean the toilet] Prim: AAAARGH! ARRRGH! ARRGRH! THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU-[mumbles something underwater in the toilet, then is taken out by Aaron] Fuck you! Golf: [pops out from the toilet] I see you are learning how hard life is for people who are suffering in poorer countries. [he leaves the toilet and turns on the radio] I will now be listening to some radio. Aaron: But aren't you always saying that music is the enemy of the people? Golf: Who said I was gonna listen to music? [Golf turns the radio on. A news broadcast is heard.] News Reporter: Breaking news or something, Paris has been bombed. Golf: Death is infinitely better than music, wouldn't you agree? [Silence] Aaron: Who on earth would bomb Paris? Prim: Probably that Italian kid CartoonGuy. [Pause] Prim: Something bad's gonna happen to me, isn't it? Golf: [slaps Prim] NO DOXXING! BACK TO WORK, YOU TWO! [Golf shoves Prim back in the toilet] Golf: I WILL BE GOING ON A PRODUCTIVITY STRIKE FOR SOME HOURS TO PRAY TO JOE BIDEN IN CHURCH. [flies away] Aaron: I didn't know penguins could fly. Prim: Dude, Golf is a gigantic asshole. Maybe we should… get rid of him… Aaron: Are you suggesting murder?! PRIM! Prim: NO! Not murder. Maybe we could just go on a trip to Madagascar and send him with us in a box or something. DreamWorks has taught me that penguins can survive just fine in Madagascar! Aaron: I think Golf is too big to fit in a box. Prim: Then ship him in a refrigerator or something. Aaron: Wouldn't he freeze to death? Prim: Who said it would be plugged in? Also, he's a penguin. Aaron: Good point. But how will we lure him in? [Cut to Aaron and Prim outside, with the fridge open] Prim: Golf! Come here! There’s a fridge with STRAWBERRIES here! [Prim’s line is shown echoing through mountains, and Golf comes flying quickly] Golf: MY STOCKS ARE RISIIIIIIIIING! [flies into the fridge, which then gets closed by Prim] WHERE ARE THE STRAWBERRIES?! Aaron: Huh. Guess we just need to bring this to Madagascar. Prim: Now it’s a double travel episode! Smooth voiceover: Go fuck yourself. [Cut to the French restaurant, where Bot is eating a baguette, Tan is eating a snail, and Cactus is eating a croissant] Cactus: This tastes like the desert. Tan: I must say, snails are delicious! I get why the French eat them! I wonder what else they do with them. Bot: This baguette is bread. Zoltan: Where the hell is my ratatouille? I ordered it with you people! Waiter: [comes out of the kitchen with a ratatouille in hand, and starts speaking with a French accent] Bonjour, Monsieur Zoltan! Here is the ratatouille you asked for. Zoltan: [aggressively grabs it] Thank you, bitch. Now, people, it’s time for me to be blessed… [Zoltan slowly grabs the fork, and eats a little bit of the ratatouille. We then see a flashback of Zoltan as a kid, playing with a rabbit named Bunny] Zoltan: Hey Bunny, want to commit tax evasion? French Guy: Zoltan! Come inside! It’s lunch time! Zoltan: But Dad! French Guy: Sacrebleu, just come inside! Ugh, I hate my child. [Zoltan goes inside crying] Bunny: Sad! [Zoltan sits at the table, where French Guy places a ratatouille] French Guy: I should not have made you. Zoltan: [eats a bit of the ratatouille] Wow, this is delicious! French Guy: Oui, of course it is, it’s French food! I’m sure that bunny is also deli-- [Zoltan throws a knife at French Guy’s private parts] French Guy: AAAAARGH! OH MY GOD! PÉNIS! PUTE! AAAAAAARGH! [We return to the present, where Zoltan begins happily devouring the ratatouille] Smooth voiceover: Man, that Zoltan got some messed-up childhood. Waiter: [comes out of the kitchen] I’m glad you liked it, Monsieur Zoltan! I-- [Zoltan throws a knife at his private parts, causing him to yelp] Bot: WHAT THE FU-- Tan: Holy shit. Cactus: Oh dear. Crazy: [appears, back from the dead] God, Lois, this is worse than that time I-- [Tan stomps on CrazySponge, killing him again] Zoltan: Waiter, I’d like to see the chef, the REAL one. [winks] Waiter: Motherfucking son of a croissant! MONSIEUR PECKOUIS! [A penguin chef named Golfier Peckouis comes out of the kitchen] Golfier Peckouis: SLAVE, BACK TO WORK! Zoltan: I WANT TO SEE THE RAT! Waiter: WHAT?! [The Paris police burst into the restaurant] French Policeman: QUELQU'UN NOUS A APPELÉ POUR DIRE QU'IL Y AVAIT DE LA VIOLENCE ICI! Zoltan: SPEAK AMERICAN! Crazy: [back from the dead] But we’re in Africa! Bot: HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?! French Policeman 2: Ugh, stupid tourists! Someone called us to report violence here! Zoltan: WHO?! French Policeman: Not ourselves! Check for bombs! [Zoltan throws a fork at his eye] AAARGH! Bot: DAD, WHAT’S GOT INTO YOU?! Zoltan: I’m not finished! [he throws his plate at another officer’s head, then he throws the entire table at the rest of the police] RUN! [Zoltan and co. run out of the restaurant] Golfier Peckouis: WHERE’S THE MONEY?! [he furiously eats a strawberry, then grabs a comically large knife and starts chasing them] [Cut to Golf playing basketball with Elon Musk] Elon Musk: Wow, Golf. I didn’t know you were so lethal beyond the arc. Care to show me some more of your skills? [Golf’s phone rings an alarm] Golf: Nope. BACK TO WORK! [Golf shoots a basketball into Elon Musk’s Tesla window and runs away] Elon Musk: Aw, man, I just got Lil’ Timmy to re-do that window. [Cut to Golf waking up, revealing that was a dream. He is in an island, with the fridge behind him open] Golf: WHERE AM I?! THIS ISN’T BASKETBALL WITH ELON MUSK! [He runs into the wilderness, where he comes into contact with a snarling fossa] Golf: Oh, a dog. How unproductive. [The fossa leaps at Golf and crunches his leg] Golf: I’m losing ne sense if balanc. Oh my [Cut to Prim and Aaron smoking cigarettes and sunbathing near the swimming pool in a tropical-looking Madagascar hotel.] Prim: Hey Aaron, where’d you put the fridge again? Aaron: Oh dear. [Cut to Golf being attacked by several fossas at all angles, before heroic trumpets play and the audience is treated to sexy close-up shots of one Mr. Jeffrey Epstein, wearing a superhero cape and nothing more except pixelated genitalia] Jeffrey Epstein: No need to fear! Nonce is here! Golf: Elon Musk? Epstein: Nope. Golf: Bill Gates? Epstein: No. Golf: The Terrible Travis? Epstein: Well, that was my nickname in high school. Fortunately, Golf, you’ve ended up on my wonderful island, where you won’t need to worry a thing about your safety as long as you also fuck kids. Golf: That sounds unproductive. Epstein: Oh, trust me. It’s reproductive! Golf: Just one question… Do you have any seeds? Epstein: Absolutely! They're like edible children! [Golf, still bleeding copious amounts from his legs after the fossa attack, stands up and follows Epstein to his private mansion] Golf: How did you obtain such a luxurious property? You must never sleep. Epstein: Oh, trust me, I sleep four women a day. I mean, hours. Golf: How does one obtain such stability and success in their position? Epstein: Mr. Pecks, I’m not just Jeffrey Epstein, convicted sex offender, like you see in the news. I’m Jeffrey Epstein, convicted sex offender and KING OF THE LEMURS! Golf: Remarkable. [Cut back to Zoltan and co. on the run from French police, who are exhausted from the chase] French Policeman: We’re THIS close to catching them. Is becoming a fake French police man and buying all of these patrol vehicles really worth just catching up with my son for one final chat? I’m not a French Policeman. I’m just a humble French Guy. French Policeman 2: [reveals himself as Mike] I don’t know, I’m just here because you paid me. [Cut to CartoonGuy in the Louvre in a wheelchair, right next to the Mona Lisa] CartoonGuy: I'll get you out of this wretched museum soon, m'lady. I just need to wait for my legs to grow back and then we'll run away together! Zoltan: Stop right there! Bot: What? No, just let him steal the painting. You’re not a museum guard. Zoltan: Always with the piracy, huh, Bot? You know, if you didn’t take everything in this world for granted, maybe I’d care enough to be a good dad! [The two continue indecipherable arguing as CartoonGuy takes the Mona Lisa off the wall and attaches it to his wheelchair] CartoonGuy: Out of my way, Frenchie! [He speeds out of the museum, running over Zoltan's feet. The police enter the museum, armed, and aim their guns at Zoltan and CartoonGuy, cornering them alongside Tan, Bot and Cactus.] Tan: Wait, where did Crazy go? [Cut to the Paris cemetery, where there is a lone grave reading “twat”] [Cut back to the museum] Zoltan: Well, daughter, I guess this is it for us. At least we went out like honourable gentlemen. [He puts his arms out ready for them to shoot but nothing happens] Zoltan: Well, what are you waiting for? What else do we need to do to your country? We literally 9/11-ed the Eiffel Tower. French Policeman: Oh… uh, we're actually responding to a report of painting theft. Zoltan: Oh… in that case… French Policeman: I am absolutely not shooting a paraplegic. Zoltan: Who said you had to shoot him? [Zoltan kicks CartoonGuy, leaving his wheelchair spinning right into the French policeman’s arms, as he drops the Mona Lisa] CartoonGuy: No! My beauty! Zoltan: Let’s get the hell out of here. Tan, where’d the plane go after we crashed it? Tan: I don’t know, the hospital. Zoltan: YOU CRASHED IT INTO A HOSPITAL?! Tan: No, I just thought that’s where planes went when they were damaged. Bot: Hey, sir! Could you pass us the wheelchair? French Policeman: Of course! [He flings CartoonGuy off of the wheelchair and into a police car and then pushes it off to Bot] Bot: Jump on. [Zoltan and Tan hop onto the wheelchair, which becomes too heavy for Bot to carry] Bot: Nevermind, I forgot about that beer belly. Hold on, I can just pirate a plane. [Cut to Golf and Epstein in a massive bed with five women and Mr. Renaud] Epstein: Ain’t this the life, Pecks? Golf: 5G causes cancer. Epstein: Whatever you say, my guy. Oh! [A stub pricks out from the end of the bed and makes an alert sound] Epstein: My ding-ding’s tingling. A child must be in danger. [Cut back to Bot, Cactus and Zoltan as passengers in the new plane, which Tan is piloting] Tan: Where’d you get this, anyway? Bot: Craigslist. Zoltan: Isn’t that where you got that paedophile? Tan: The what? Bot: Don’t worry about it. Come on, make a move on! [The plane takes off into the sky, revealing that French Guy and Mike are holding onto the plane] French Guy: I’ll see my son if it costs me my life! Smooth voiceover: To be continued…